Hairbrush Fiasco: A simple moment of slowing down together

One of my favorite memories of using a communication framework with my kids came during a rushed school morning. My daughters were arguing in the backseat on the drive to school. One daughter was brushing her hair and the other wanted the brush, NOW.

After taking a breath and resisting the urge to shout back, I gently asked questions one by one. “What’s happening right now for you? Just tell me what you notice, what are the facts?” Then, “What are you thinking about? How are you feeling?”

The daughter who was upset shared that her sister was taking a long time with the brush and she was getting worried - we were almost at school, and she thought she was running out of time. Finally, I asked, “Can you tell your sister what you need?” And she did. It wasn’t a perfect fix, but the energy shifted. No yelling, no punishment. Just a moment of clarity, connection, and moving forward together.

Sometimes, a moment just feels off. A sibling squabble that escalates quickly, a child shutting down after a tough day, or tension in the air with no clear words. These are the kinds of moments when the Adirey tools can help. Laying it out a blanket or inviting your child to "walk through the squares with me" becomes a signal: we’re going to slow down, take a breath, and work through this together.

As you move through each part of the framework - See, Think, Feel, Need - the movement helps shift the energy. It teaches children that conflict is normal, and there is a kind and calm way to move through it. A potentially reactive moment then turns into a shared experience, one that builds understanding instead of distance. And when you’ve practiced the framework often at home, the steps start to live in your mind’s eye, ready to guide you even when the blanket isn’t right there.